I Must Be Proactive To Get Through This Confusing Time

Sydney Morning Herald

Friday July 11, 2008

Barry Hall

I CAN'T sit here and say, "Yep, this is the reason behind what happened on Saturday night." I can't do that, and that is what's confusing. I feel fine, I was in good spirits before and after the game against Collingwood, and that's why recent events have been hard to take in.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not denying I have any issues or problems, and I'm not going to hide from anything. I'm not going to kid myself or lie to myself that there's nothing wrong, because there very well could be. Like Paul Roos said, he's not qualified to say what the problem is, and nor am I. But I understand where the Swans are coming from and I think they understand where I am coming from.

I have to get on the front foot now and source what help I can find, and do all the things I have to do to get myself to the point where I can play footy again.

I said after the Brent Staker incident that there had been a build-up of personal issues in my life that I had let get to me and then I snapped; but I can honestly say this wasn't the case this time. This case was definitely different, and that's why I am confused about the whole thing.

People have said that I was frustrated early on in the game and was showing it, and that's why the Wakelin incident happened. But as I said to the guys at the club, I reckon in the past six years I've played here, I've probably been more animated on the field several times.

Of course, the free kicks frustrated me - they have since day one. I think that's just me, and even if I did 10 years of counselling, I don't think that would change. I've been trying to deal with that issue in different ways and I think I've handled it better. But being frustrated doesn't mean I am going to whack someone.

Going forward, it's going to be difficult to gauge when I'll be right to play again. It's not easy to put a distinct timeframe on my return - not like, say, being allowed to play once you have run three kilometres in 10 minutes, 30 seconds.

Things have changed a lot for me since Monday, when Roosy told me the club's decision to suspend me indefinitely. They told me they supported me, but it went in one ear and out the other because I wasn't really happy with what I was hearing at that stage. But speaking with Roosy on Wednesday, he said: "On Monday, I had my coach's hat on but I'm talking to you as a mate now. I don't want you to bow out of footy in this manner. If you hit him, it would have been 10 times worse."

He said the footy club had a duty of care and, as a mate, he didn't feel comfortable putting me in a vulnerable position; it would be awkward for him if another incident occurred and he hadn't done anything to prevent it. So I can certainly see their point of view a little bit better now than I did on Monday.

Some interesting thoughts went through my head on Monday. I didn't know what was going to happen, so I probably had all the worst-case scenarios running through my mind. But then I started to think about how I could fix this problem.

At no no point did I consider stopping training, or even quitting footy. My thoughts had more to do with how I would get back: do I get a personal trainer, take time away from the club? I even signed up with a gym and trained for a couple of days there.

But then it occurred to me that being away from the club would only hinder my hopes of getting back in the side. The longer I'm away, the harder it's going to be to get back.

On Wednesday, I was in two minds about whether to go to training. I didn't want to distract the group from the game of the weekend against Hawthorn, but by the same token I didn't want it to look like it was me versus the club and we were on bad terms. That was the last thing I wanted.

The reaction I got from my teammates was pretty positive. A lot of guys text-messaged me after training and said it was good to see me there - which was great. I think it had a positive effect on the players. As for myself, I love training and playing footy, so I thought, "why should I stop doing that?"

I said when I came back last time that I didn't want to be remembered as a thug, and I described how disappointing it was that all my good work - and I did do a lot of hard work and soul-searching - had been wasted.

Unfortunately, I think for the rest of my career I will be stuck with that perception of me. If I run out there and play for another four years and there are no other incidents, I don't think, with the way the media works, that I will shake that image. Of course, that's disappointing - but, fine. You make your bed, so you have to lie in it.

© 2008 Sydney Morning Herald

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